Day 8: My Mama Did the Best She Could With the Child She Was Given

I have not been on my best behavior.

I left out some details yesterday because I am ashamed. But I promised honesty, so in an effort to keep my word, here's what happened at the studio last night:

Although I'm pretty organized, the minutea of payroll day stretches my sanity to its absolute limits. Last night my sanity broke. 

Instructor B is a sweetie whose class I enjoy. He's always upbeat and friendly though I've noticed that he particularly enjoys my Payroll Day Altered Mental State.

As he was leaving the studio last night, he caught me mid PDAMS meltdown and the following exchange occured:

B: (jokingly) "You are too cute when you're all stressed out over payroll."
K: "I am not stressed out." (spoken with a full blown facial scowl through clenched teeth and stationary lips) "AND I'M NOT CUTE!" I hollered at him while running towards the window, stopping just short of pounding my fist on the glass.

and while i'm confessing i might as well mention that i growled at a lady at trader joes last week because she asked me to move my car when i was clearly blocked in and yes by growl i mean a lips pulled back over teeth neck lunged forward no sound a human being should ever make guttural groan.

Because that's the kind of ugly that lives and breathes within.

But today I was good!

• I got up early to move my car for street cleaning day and although the streets never actually look clean, I didn't grumble about it once.
• I decided it was probably not a good idea to yell out of my window at the person who stole the parking place that he didn't know I'd reserved on my previous drive around the block.
• I smiled at strangers as I ate my bowl of pho and drank my apple juice.
• I walked by our neighbors storefront, an amazingly badass vintage tshirt shop where I will be doing a lot of Christmas shopping, and laughed with one of the owners as his friend, a big shirtless man in black booty shorts and a pink bandana, danced around the store to 'Grove is in the Heart'.

Though I'm feeling a little homesick, I'm keeping my focus forward. I miss home everyday, but living in L.A. is best for my life right now, so I am grateful for this opportunity.

And I'm really looking forward to tomorrow morning's hike.

Day 7: "What can I do?"

I left my house at 8:20 this morning ( I am LOVING my 10 minute traffic-free commute!) and returned home at 12:15am. I am too far gone to do the simple math to calculate those hours. I just know they are a lot. And I worked them.

Between classes this morning, Austin, my boss' boyfriend and my sweet friend, stood at the front desk amidst the piles of paperwork I had spread from one end of our counter to the other and the 3 inch stack of data that needed to be entered, looked at me and said, "What can I do?".

I think I cried a little. I know I grinned a lot.

I don't know what Austin had planned for the day. What I know is that he went and got the envelopes I'd forgotten I needed, delayed his lunch to label those envelopes and delayed it again to get me a smoothie when he realized I was hungry and would not be able to leave.

Thank you Austin. Your lot a bit of kindness went an extra long way.

Payroll is finished, the deposits are prepared, the renters had a great rehearsal, the floor guy came and told me things I already knew, classes ran smoothly and a rough draft of a mass email is waiting to go out at 2pm today.

My eyes are red and my body is screaming, but life is good for this tired worn out Girl.

Day 6: Business, Boots & Bruises

Great day. The heat is back, but the mornings and evenings are cool. Well, the evenings are actually cold. Wearing boots in August is all kinds of awesome.

I spent most of the day at the studio. We're working out the kinks in my schedule and I think the changes will be good. The break I got this afternoon did wonders for my attitude.

Our new class schedule begins next week, which I'm really looking forward to. It'll be interesting to see the responses. K and I met briefly about our first Free Dance Day scheduled for the 11th. Our dance space is HUGE, 2000 sq. ft., but we don't have much space for folks to hang out in. It's more than adequate for day to day, but we're still not sure how to handle FDD crowds.

We'll be launching the work study program the week of the 19th. I really like the group we have, so I'm glad some of them are staying, but I'm also looking forward to giving more folks a chance to help run the studio in exchange for free classes.

Tomorrow will be my final 14 hour Thursday :). Morning classes then a rental followed by afternoon and night classes. I love my job and the studio, but I have to admit that those days wear me out! Tomorrow is also the close of payroll. With the exception of tomorrow's classes, my spreadsheets are up to date, deposit slips completed, note cards and class sheets clipped and filed. Tomorrow will be full of copying, spreadsheet finalizing, and check writing. Sweet sweet organization.

I had a slight mishap tonight involving my car door and my clumsiness, which resulted in a shiner on the inside portion of my left elbow bone. It's a real beauty.

I am so grateful to be where I am and doing what I do with the people I'm meeting on this portion of my path.

God is good.

Day 5: Spun

"There's a feeling here inside that I cannot hide and I know I've tried, but it's turning me around."

To say that my time in CA thus far has been a whirlwind is a understatement:

A Tuesday night:

Girl says an earnest prayer.

A Wednesday morning:

Girl goes to work.
Girl calls an old friend during her break.
Girl gets a job offer.
Girl decides to move to California.

--Two Weeks Later--

A Wednesday afternoon:

Girl and her Mom leave for CA.

A Friday night:

Girl and her Mom arrive in CA.

A Monday Morning:

Girl starts job.

--Eight weeks later--

A Sunday afternoon:

Girl's car breaks down.

A Monday morning:

Girl gets car fixed.
Girl loses job.

--Eight weeks later--

Girl finds job.
Girl moves into apartment.

Today:

Girl feels immeasurably grateful and frighteningly unsettled.

"Im not sure that I'm aware if I'm up or down if I'm here or there, I need both feet on the ground. Why do I feel like I'm drowning, when there is plenty of air? Why do I feel like frowning? I think the feeling is fear."

This Girl has been Spun.

I can only liken this Spun feeling to a toy top. The kind with the string. You pull the string quickly and the top spins so fast that the patterns blur and the air around it creates an audible whir. When it's done spinning, it falls on its side as if to say, "can you just give me a moment before you do that again?".

Spun is a heart hardener, and it has sealed the parts of me that allow people in. The people that have more than proven their goodness are being kept at bay because the wariness of Spun still lingers. Spun is palpable. I see it in my interactions. I hear it in my words. It is my cloak. Patches of the recent past woven together to protect me from what might be.

I decided today that it is time to shed the cloak.

"In a different place, in a different time. Different people around me. I would like to know of their different world, and how different they find me."

It will be a process involving time, a lot of prayer and restoration of the belief that things are not necessarily to good to be true.

"Suddenly my world's gone and changed its face, but I still know where I'm going. I have had my mind spun around in space yet I've watched it growing."

It's time to get un-Spun.


**All quotations are from The Wiz, 'Soon As I Get Home' and 'Home'.

Day 4: Normalcy

I'm beginning to get spoiled by Fall in August. It was beautiful and cool, and it was dark by 7:30. Here I thought I was going to miss having a Fall and God goes and gives me one.

We hashed out some schedule changes at the studio today. Overall, I'm excited about where we're heading and I must say that getting to go through this process is an incredible experience.

I had been running the studio alone for several weeks, and though it was stressful, it wasn't a bad stress. But it was interesting and disturbing to not be able to enjoy dance. I couldn't concentrate in class because I was constantly worried about whether a nail was going to pop through the floor (an effect of the new floor settling) or if someone would be towed for parking incorrectly or if my front desk person had enough petty cash, had everyone signed a release, etc... I was glad that I could multitask, answer questions, and keep everything going, but I was missing the joy that comes from completely letting go and going wherever the experience takes you. It feels really good to have Ryan & Kct back. We're all still adjusting. They are adjusting to not being consumed with NYC and the phenomenal undertaking that was the T project. I'm adjusting to the fact that although I now know every centimeter of that studio, can put my hands on anything without having to think about where it is and have created an airtight system of payroll, class tracking, filing etc... I no longer have to do it alone.

Tonight I took class and was able to concentrate on movement and corrections and my biggest external concern was reopening the burns on my elbows and knees. I gave in and experienced joy.

After class I enjoyed conversation and a dinner full of laughter with Maurice and Austin. My first time eating pho and I LOVED it! I could eat it everyday! Since it's cheap and within walking distance of the studio, I may do just that.

R, K and I got the Christmas calendar done and I will be home from the 23rd to the 1st. I'm expecting a phone call from my sister on Thursday. Praying for good news.

Today was normal. And that is all kinds of good.

Day 3: Reality.

Reality is perceptions shattered. Even the perceptions of ones who are defined by the perceptions of others. Especially those.

Day 2: 66 Degrees

The original forecast for today was high 90's, and I had planned a morning hike, so in an effort to beat the heat I rolled out of bed at 8am, donned my hiking gear (jazz pants and a tank top) and covered every inch of my exposed skin in gobs 50spf sunscreen. I understand now why they make special sunscreen chapstick for your lips. That stuff tastes like battery acid. I looked positively iridescent but I was super proud of my advanced sun protection until I stepped out of the door.

Today's weather never got above 66 degrees.

I am a G.R.I.T.S (girl raised in the south) through and through, and I enjoy the dog days of summer. They bring back memories of sticky August evenings spent hanging out in the rocking chairs on my Grandmommy's porch, the smell of dinner cooking in her kitchen, The Jefferson's and Judge Wapner on TV. My Granddaddy keeping cool by drinking ice water out of the glass jug he kept in the refrigerator. Sitting barefoot around the kitchen table with the sliced tomatoes on my plate that I initially hated but learned to enjoy.

I must admit though that California weather is capturing this girl's heart. This was a picture perfect Fall day. It was cold in August. I wore a hoodie. Tonight in Trader Joe's a lady had on a turtleneck. In August. This weather is the most wonderful gift of absolute mind-numbing absurdity.

My hike was great. I listened to Michael Jackson, Rascal Flatts and Boys II Men, climbed at a respectable pace, dropped my keys, breathed in crisp cool air, dropped my coin purse, grinned at fellow hikers, tripped over rocks, looked at horses and got tangled up in my iPod cord.

After 45 minutes of climbing, I saw this on the steepest part of the mountain leading up to the peak:

I don't know where he entered the trail, but as I stumbled up (as I always do on this part) sliding on sand and rocks, this elderly man and his cane went up with ease. He smiled at me as I took my place next to him on the bench and for a few minutes we both enjoyed the view.

Today California felt like home.