Day15: Still

Tonight I was able spend time with a friend who just moved here from home, and I cannot begin to describe how great it felt. It was peaceful and comfortable. My spirit was still.

I didn't have to think about what parts of my personality were on display. My laughter wasn't forced. I didn't worry that I wasn't saying the right thing or that my jokes would be taken seriously or that I was leaving a lasting first impression that I wouldn't be able to undo.

I just was.

Some people come to L.A. to reinvent themselves and become someone new. There is very little accountability because no one knows who they are or where they came from. I'm finding more and more that I don't want to be reinvented. I want to grow and develop and embrace new experiences, but I don't want to lose the essence of who I am and become unrecognizable to those who know me. Or to myself.

In just a few hours the 9/11 anniversary will be here. Tonight as I pulled my flag pin out of my jewelry box, I thought about where I was that day.

I was working at the Concourse banking center and Ashley got a call from her Mom advising us to turn on the tv. Our only set was in the back breakroom so all five of us rushed back there and watched.

I will never forget:

-- The crystal clear blue sky.
-- The stillness before the second plane hit.
-- The sound of the jet engine as it flew into the building.
-- Someone standing next to me saying, "Did that just happen?"
-- All of the white towels and shirts, we assumed, hanging out of the upper floor windows.
-- Thinking that we couldn't imagine what the people in the restaurant on the top floor must be feeling.
-- The people jumping, and us wondering out loud how bad it had to be in those buildings if jumping out of a 100 story window to certain death was the better option.
-- The closeups of the men and women jumping from the building in suits with briefcases in hand.
-- The intermittent crashing sounds.
-- The reporters telling us that those sounds were bodies hitting the ground.
-- All of the paper fluttering to the ground and wondering how the paper survived and the people didn't.
-- The screaming and crying of the spectators.
-- The buildings collapsing.
-- The smoke and dust.
-- People running.
-- The mayhem that ensued.

And then I realized that because of the time difference, many people here in L.A. slept right through the whole thing.

Day 14: Right Now

Right now:

I am two weeks into this blog journey.

I am thinking of the two people I learned have died. I haven't seen or spoken to either one of them in well over a decade, but I still can't believe they're gone.

I am praying for the families of these two people.
I am praying for a friend who is having a difficult time after surgery.
I am praying for a friend who is facing a scary unknown.
I am praying for a friend who is at a crossroads.
I am praying for a friend who needs a break.
I am praying for a friend who is figuring out what comes next.
I am praying that love will conquer in the lives of four people I love.

I am functioning on 3.5 hours of sleep.
I am tickled that my neighbor had to help me parallel park.
I am grateful he was there.
I am contemplating whether to let my stylist dye my hair.
I am pretty sure the answer is no.
I am wondering if men willl ever make sense to me.

I am enjoying the peace that I opened my heart to these last two weeks.
I am enjoying a job that is challenging me metally and emotionally, and rewarding me in ways that I never imagined.
I am enjoying the newness that each day here brings.

Right now it is 1:40am and I am having a Michael Jackson, Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam and The Jets  lip synch dance party in my room.

Just because.

Day 13: Long Day, Good Day

Why have I not blogged until 1am?

'Cause of this:

I'm at the boss' house high up on a hill in Echo Park having a meeting about this weekend's Free Dance Day event. We're talking, they're drinking... fun. This was taken during a smoke break.

I love my job.

And yes, we're still here.

Day 12: "Y'all know Kilah is Special..."

I don't wear smug well.

Last night I stayed up until 2am wallowing in the fact that I didn't have anywhere to be this morning. I set my alarm for a leisurely 11:15 which, I concluded, would give me ample time for showering, breakfast and lounging before I had to be at the studio for our 2:15 rental. I laid in bed, did a shadow dance with my legs in the moonlight, then drifted off to sleep. I was actually grinning.

If any of you have ever doubted that God talks to us, let me put all your doubt to rest. This morning in my dream/half consciousness a voice clearly said to me, "Stella has a class this morning at 9."

I sat up and said out loud, "No she doesn't. Her class is Tuesday, and today is Mon..... sh*t.

I looked at my phone, saw that it was 8:39 and proceeded to have the following conversation with myself:

"I'm never gonna make it."
"Yes you are."
"It's impossible!"
"You don't have a choice!"
"What am I gonna wear?!"
"What difference does it make?! GET. UP!"

I then tore out of my bed, jumped into the closest pair of jeans I could grab, yanked a dark red fitted sweatshirt out of the closet and over my head, slipped into my leopard print flats; and actually paused to pontificate about what a great buy they had been at only $10 seeing as how they were coming in handy for a situation such as this; ran to the bathroom, cupped my hands under the faucet, threw the water at my face and nearly drowned.

Apparently one should hold their breath whenever two fistfuls of water come rushing at their facial orifices.

I attacked my mouth with my toothbrush, figuring that this was the one hygiene step that I, though I actually heavily considered it, probably should not skip and groaned at the toothpaste stain I made near my armpit, because I mean who doesn't brush their teeth with one arm flung over their head?

I grabbed my purse, my computer, and my keys, contemplated whether to grab my gallon of water, decided to take it or risk dying of thirst, ran out the door, to my car and began driving while having the following conversation with myself:

"I'm doing okay, I'm gonna make it."
"You may actually get there before 9."
"Yes! I'm thinking 8:55."
"You'll have to make every light."
"It could happen."
"You almost blew it."
"I know!"

I got to the halfway point of my drive, where Hollywood Blvd. becomes Sunset Blvd, before a traffic light stopped me. I was feeling a little off, so I felt around in my purse to make sure I had my phone. I did. I thought maybe I'd forgotten my water after all. I didn't. I could not for the life of me figure out why I was so uneasy until I reached to grabbed my left shoulder with my right hand. It instantly dawned on me and I gasped so violently that the intake of air nearly burned my throat.

"I'M. NOT. WEARING. MY. BRA!"

I covered my mouth with both my hands, let out a muffled scream and foolishly looked around to see if any other drivers had noticed my lack of support. It may not have been a big deal to some, but I have not left my house without the proper restraints since 1990. I was not blessed with natural perkiness. I couldn't turn back, because it was now 8:52. so I proceeded while scolding myself:

"You are going to a dance studio with 7,000 bottles of water, and nonetheless you grabbed your own gallon jug, but you didn't have the wherewithall to put on a bra?! This better be the best jug of water you ever drank!"

I turned into the parking lot at 8:55, apologized to the folks that were waiting and went about making a little physical motion as possible lest I give myself away.

At 11:00 K, my boss' business partner, was scheduled to arrive for her photoshoot. Upon hearing her motor, I crossed my arms over my chest, ran outside and said to her moving car:

"Just to give you an indication of my current state of dumb, I overslept, haven't showered and forgot to put on my bra so I'm going home to take a moment to re-evaluate my life. I'll be back at 2."

And thus my day began.

Thank you God for waking me up, holding me up and keeping my sense of humor intact through it all.

I love life.

Day 11: Strange Air

Something strange is in the air tonight.

This was one of the few Labor Days that I haven't spent with my family, but I was okay. I miss my family, but I didn't think about homesickness until tonight when I wondered why the feeling wasn't there.

My day was peaceful and uneventful. The studio was open, but today was the first day of the Fall schedule, so there were no morning classes. We didn't have any rentals scheduled for today, so I slept in a little which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Classes tonight were okay. Katie's first jazz class had 3 and Nina subbed for Ryan's contemporary to a crowd of 7. I was happy to see a turn out at all on a holiday. I am more than a little nervous that our web guy hasn't updated the website with the new schedule. As of 11:45pm we still haven't heard from him, hopefully we can get it corrected tomorrow.

The city feels a little empty. There was ample parking on my street which is unheard of, and very much appreciated. I didn't even have to circle the block. I turned onto my street, saw an available space and squealed with delight while my mind wondered what in the world was going on.  After I parked, I threw my things in the house, grabbed a jacket and began the half block trek to the market. On the way, I witnessed a couple in bathing suits, run barefoot into the middle of Hollywood Blvd to take pictures of each other.

My holiday trip home is officially booked and I received my itinerary via email tonight. I am very much looking forward to spending time with my family, hanging out with my friends and being in a place where everything is familiar.

But as much as I am looking forward to home, a part of me is going to miss being here.

Something strange is in the atmosphere indeed.

Day 10: What a Difference a Sunday Makes

Sundays are busy at the studio, I think in part because it is the day of the class that started it all. Two years ago Ryan created Sweaty Sundays to give his friends and people in the community a non intimidating way to enjoy dance, and today he has his own studio. The students that come in are passionate and interesting and diverse and they, along with Ryan, create an energy that is intoxicating. I enjoy my Sundays with them.

After work I drove out to Santa Monica for church. My church is three blocks east of the beach, so my 20 minute drive resulted in a 30 degree drop in temperature. It always feels like Fall at the beach in the evenings, and I have fallen head over heels in love with it. My church with it's 70 year old Monseigneur who tells it like it is, the cold air, the fog that rolls in and the smell of the ocean have captured this Girl's heart.

One of my favorite parts of Mass is the few minutes after communion when we each get to take a few minutes for some one-on-one time with God.  

It was during this time just a few months ago that I sat in my pew, praying with tears sliding down my face. I didn't have a job, I was scared, I didn't know what my next step was supposed to be. I pleaded for a sign, guidance, comfort and strength...

"God doesn't close a door without opening another, but sometimes it's hell in the hallway."

Tonight as I kneeled it struck me that I was happily talking/praying about the triumphs, frustrations, concerns and opportunities I'm experiencing and asking for guidance for the coming week. As I kneeled in the same spot where I had shed tears not so long ago, I grinned at the realization that my heart has been repaired and my circumstances turned around.

My hallway days in this part of my life have come to an end. I am joyful.

When I was leaving church I checked my phone and saw an unexpected text message.

Things might be getting interesting for this California Girl...

Day 9: This California Girl

It feels like home here in L.A. for the third day in a row, so perhaps it's time to make the official declaration.

In addition to a G.R.I.T.S, I am a California Girl.

In honor of my newfound peace, I have some observations to list, but first a quick recap of the day:

I enjoyed a great hike this morning. One of the un-smoggiest days yet! It was gorgeous and HOT. Looking forward to Thursday when the high is 68. Ran errands and washed my hair. Sitting here now building up the strength to flat iron it.

I am feeling every second of my 32 years tonight. Where is the Girl who could do more than three things in a day, party all night and not need a week to recover? This whole getting old gig is for the birds. But, like my Granny used to say, it sure as hell beats the alternative.

Observations of a California Girl:

1. Changing my attitude has brought almost instant results in my commitment to get un-spun. I have opened my heart to the people around me and can already feel the acceptance that was always there.

2. Focusing forward does wonders for perspective.

3. I'm finally learning shortcuts that actually lead to my destination.

4. Due to less than ideal parking circumstances in my 'hood, a great parking space can instantly trump my nighttime plans.

5. The lack of left turn signals in this city continues to baffle me, although I must admit that it is making me more courageous driver.

6. The view from the top of my favorite peak is 360 degrees of awesome. It never ceases to amaze me.

7. I am not the only person in L.A. who gets out of their car, looks at what most would label as impossible and fist pumps after successfully parallel parking.

8. I may be the only person who takes a bow.

9. I still don't know how to apply sunscreen and not end up looking like a glowstick.

10. I think I'm gonna like it here.