Day 5: Spun

"There's a feeling here inside that I cannot hide and I know I've tried, but it's turning me around."

To say that my time in CA thus far has been a whirlwind is a understatement:

A Tuesday night:

Girl says an earnest prayer.

A Wednesday morning:

Girl goes to work.
Girl calls an old friend during her break.
Girl gets a job offer.
Girl decides to move to California.

--Two Weeks Later--

A Wednesday afternoon:

Girl and her Mom leave for CA.

A Friday night:

Girl and her Mom arrive in CA.

A Monday Morning:

Girl starts job.

--Eight weeks later--

A Sunday afternoon:

Girl's car breaks down.

A Monday morning:

Girl gets car fixed.
Girl loses job.

--Eight weeks later--

Girl finds job.
Girl moves into apartment.

Today:

Girl feels immeasurably grateful and frighteningly unsettled.

"Im not sure that I'm aware if I'm up or down if I'm here or there, I need both feet on the ground. Why do I feel like I'm drowning, when there is plenty of air? Why do I feel like frowning? I think the feeling is fear."

This Girl has been Spun.

I can only liken this Spun feeling to a toy top. The kind with the string. You pull the string quickly and the top spins so fast that the patterns blur and the air around it creates an audible whir. When it's done spinning, it falls on its side as if to say, "can you just give me a moment before you do that again?".

Spun is a heart hardener, and it has sealed the parts of me that allow people in. The people that have more than proven their goodness are being kept at bay because the wariness of Spun still lingers. Spun is palpable. I see it in my interactions. I hear it in my words. It is my cloak. Patches of the recent past woven together to protect me from what might be.

I decided today that it is time to shed the cloak.

"In a different place, in a different time. Different people around me. I would like to know of their different world, and how different they find me."

It will be a process involving time, a lot of prayer and restoration of the belief that things are not necessarily to good to be true.

"Suddenly my world's gone and changed its face, but I still know where I'm going. I have had my mind spun around in space yet I've watched it growing."

It's time to get un-Spun.


**All quotations are from The Wiz, 'Soon As I Get Home' and 'Home'.