My senior year in highschool, I snagged the role of Mrs. Paddy in 'A Curious Savage'. She was a mean lady who wore a constant scowl and had monologue after monologue listing everything she hated.
"I hate everything in the world, but most of all I hate....."
Everyone said the role was perfectly cast.
Fast forward 13 years.
The Mrs. Paddy in me today would have a very short list. "I hate everything in the world, but most of all I hate Christmas shopping."
I really do.
I love to give gifts, but Christmas shopping scares me. So I hate it.
This is a hatred that stems from the days of me buying dollar store pearl necklaces and magnetic checkers that I knew no one really wanted. A hatred that evolved into making coupon books for my mother of things that I never wanted to do but felt obligated to fulfill. A hatred that today creates in me a fear so strong that the very thought of it makes my hands shake, my throat constrict, my nose hairs burn, my armpits sweat and my butt clench.
I have never shopped on Black Friday, I can't make lists of what to buy people without hyperventilating and I immediately delete my Mom's after Thanksgiving "what would you like santa to bring you this year?!" and week before Christmas "Call your Mother." texts.
So this year I waited and panicked, confided in friends and strangers that I hadn't even begun to shop, and today, the day before Christmas at noon, I walked out of my house and into Christmas Eve.
It was absolute mayheim. And I have never experienced a joy so complete.
People were EVERYWHERE. Making left hand turns on red lights, not yielding for pedestrians, swerving into parking spaces that others had been waiting for, skidding to a stop in the middle of the street to drop people off, parking in spaces designated for pregnant women, cutting in line. And with each violation, my understanding grew.
When you shop on Christmas Eve it's every man woman and child for themselves. Survival of the fittest. Get in, get out or get out of the way. If Lane 5 opens, it's for whoever gets there first. Sorry lady who's been waiting in Lane 4 for 20 minutes, you shoulda moved faster. You lose. It's ruthless.
And so I got my head in the game.
T-minus 5.5 hours and counting.
Best Buy
I needed a gift for my nephew. He likes giftcards so I hit Best Buy, grabbed one and got in line. One employee hollered that he was opening a register in electronics. I made my move. Dipped out of line, skirted a slow mover and raced a guy in knee high rainboots to the finish. I lost. No worries. It was all part of the game.
Rainboot Man was putting his money away a little slowly so the employee yelled over his head at me:
Him: "Hey! Ma'am! You buying a giftcard?"
Me: "Yes"
Him: "How much?"
Me: "Twenty."
Him: "That's it? Twenty? You know they go higher right?" slow moving rainboot man chuckled
Me: "I said twenty."
Him: "Okay. I respect that. I'll let you slide."
Me: "Thanks?"
Him: "Merry Christmas!"
Ha! The nerve! I was walking on air.
The Bank
I love going to the bank. Especially one where I don't have my accounts. There's something reverent about it. Churchlike. I'm always quiet and eager and meek. I do exactly what's asked of me. With a smile.
Teller: "You out shopping today?"
Me: "Yep. I waited until today to start."
Teller: "Honey, me too. I always wait to the last minute. I love it."
Me: "This is my first time, but it's great!"
Teller: "Girl, honey, ain't it good?! But there's always somebody who don't know the game. Like they
wanna walk in the door and look left and right like they don't know where they are. I'm like
Honey this is not the time! What do you need? Let me direct you! Apparel is to the right, jewelry
to the left and lingerie straight ahead, but you got to MOVE. I've even been behind people and
yelled GO! GO! GO!."
Me: "You're my hero.
Department Store
I didn't find the gift I was looking for, but on the way out saw a gray sweater dress that was on sale so I grabbed it thinking maybe it would do for someone else.
I stood in line looking at the people around me, women holding clothes, men holding candles, a child kissing a life sized statue of the Virgin Mary, and a lady who kept hollering "IS THIS THE LINE FOR RETURNS?!" even though no one was responding. Bliss! In the midst of my joy, I decided to try something new.
RegisterLady: Hi. Will this be all?
Me: Hi. Merry Christmas. Yes, I want this, but I don't want to pay this price.
pause
RegisterLady: Fine. I'll give you 10% off, but you can't return it.
Me: Deal.
It was that stupidly simple. I was so high I nearly skipped to my car.
I finished shopping with a celebratory sidewalk dance outside of H&M at 5:30. I figured I must be some sort of Christmas Eve shopping genius.
On my way to the grocery store I talked to my friend L. She was telling me about her cool Bowie-like art rock band idea when I interrupted her.
Me: "I don't know if I'm going to church tonight."
L: "Well, you are kind of out and about."
Me: "It's not until midnight."
L: "Oh. No, I don't go out after cold."
I love L.
We hung up and my Catholic guilt set in. This couldn't be it. Shopping, deciding whether or not to go to midnight mass. It seemed empty. I got out the car in the rain and said out loud, "This really can't be it. Like, really." While I was walking a man walked over and said "I'm hungry. Will you buy me some food?"
Without even looking at him I began muttering something about not having anything, when it dawned on me that going to church meant nothing if I ignored the "church" that was standing there. I agreed to buy his food.
"I want chicken and a 3 liter soda!" he hollered.
He took his grocery bag from me with hands covered in mismatched wet gloves, inspected the contents and without looking up said, "God bless you young lady."
I replied and, maybe for the first time this season meant, "Merry Christmas."
Merry Christmas.
wonderful!
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