Day 30: Purpose.

I took a three day blogging break.

During those three days I filmed a youtube parody music video, hiked Vermont Canyon, enjoyed my first L.A. girls night, ate Chipotle for the first time, caught a cold and lived through the hottest day in L.A. since the 1800s with temps reaching 112 degrees.

I also questioned my purpose.

The question came 3 days ago as I sat at work chewing on recent events. I worked myself into a state of ultimate confusion, stood up and began my pacing back and forth, hands flailing, voice squeaking, end of my wits prayer.

"Lord, what am I doing here? Is this what it's supposed to be? Me here? Really? Why?! I'm not like most of these people. I don't have anything in common with any of them! I don't understand their world! Do I even want to? NO! Not really! I hear conflicting information, I don't know who to trust, I question motives of some and feelings of others. People say things they don't mean and think things they don't say. I'm told stuff about what others think even if they don't actually think it. And You expect me to grow?! In THIS?! Was this move a mistake? Because it sure sometimes feels like it! How do I feel so at home in a place where I see things I never believe existed? Am I ever going to get it?"

Then I exhaled and shook my head at my absurdity.

My friend B has been telling me for nearly three years to live in the moment. To see what's right in front of me and deal with only that, because it is the only thing that matters. And he's right. I tend to get so caught up in what may be that I spend my moments frivolously and, in doing so, color the future in ways that may never have been intended.

So in thanksgiving for the current moments I've been blessed with, I am grateful for:

Long lunches with T.
Warm hugs, smiles and kind words from S.
Belly laughs and pizza, wine & hair parties with M.
Silliness with MK.
A's ear.
R's answers.
Roses from M.
Cookies from A.
Hikes with K.

What a lucky Girl I am to be able to experience the kind of goodness that sustains me as phase after phase of this purpose is revealed.

"Lord, thank you for this journey."

"And I wouldn't change a thing. I'd walk right back through the rain, back to every broken heart on the day that it was breaking. And I'd relive all the years and be thankful for the tears I've cried with every stumbled step that lead to you, and got me Here." -- Jeffrey Steele & Steve Robson

Day 28: Sur-Reality

Today I worked at the studio. I made copies of schedules, checked in students, traded ideas with K, and trained a front desk worker.

Tonight I had my first 'Hollywood' experience as a participant in a flashmob at a benefit for Livestrong.

The benefit was held at Smashbox in West Hollywood. Smashbox is a warehouse space and tonight it housed a silent auction, open bars, tons of food, cupcakes, cameras and pretty skinny people.

After my identity was verified against The List, I entered the outside area and couldn't believe my eyes. To my right there were photographers from every major tabloid in the grocery store checkout line with cameras poised. My presence, of course, was a colossal disappointment.

On my left was a Fatburger truck serving fresh burgers. I stood still for few seconds to take in the smell, and the part of my heart that has rediscovered it's adoration of all things meat skipped a beat. I was then apologized to by one of the event workers, seemingly because she crossed my path at a distance of less than three feet.

I was perplexed but I moved on to the open bar to order my triple sec white grape martini margarita from a bartender who looked like he was carved out of a block of perfection and spoke with an accent.

Once I entered the warehouse, I looked around and felt ashamed that I'd forgotten to check 70lbs of my body weight at the door, until I saw the tables of cupcakes and nearly fainted with delight.

I walked around for a bit, admired the cool art, smiled at unfamiliar faces and passed waiters with trays of cheese topped roasted endive and quartered peaches wrapped in prosciutto on my way to the green room where my fellow flashmobbers were drinking, eating pretzels, running choreography and watching a rerun of 'My Wife and Kids'.

I love dancers.

As we planted ourselves in the crowd before we danced, my friend D pointed out that I was standing next to Michael Buble which resulted in an immediate change of position due to sensory overload.

Midway through our mob I looked to my left and into Reese Witherspoon's face. She was smiling and clapping and shouted, "I want to dance with you guys!", so at the end when we wanted audience participation, I invited her out and she and her friends danced with us for a little while.

After the mob cleared, I thanked her and her friends for participating which resulted in a conversation about when we'd learned the piece, who we were, who our choreographer was and where we danced.

Ten minutes later I was double fisting my cupcake and Fatburger on my walk to the car.

Surreal.

Day 27: Age

My little sister turns 30 today. When did that happen? She's supposed to be 7.

When did she age?

Tonight I danced for 3.5 hours. I took a class and then rehearsed for a flashmob. It's for a benefit for Livestrong and should be fun. I was watching the kids who are doing the first piece and marveling at the fact that I now refer to early twentysomethings as 'kids' because I no longer remember being one, and that they have boundless energy with seemingly no pain while I, during the last run through, could feel every fiber of every muscle tightening and locking itself into a position that will force me to limp around for the next few days.

When did I age?

I'm home now and have just finished eating a dinner of two boiled eggs and two rice cakes. I'm not on a diet, it was just already prepared. I am quite hungry. But the thought of the amount of energy it would take to walk to the kitchen, open the freezer and apply heat to my vast array of frozen food causes a furrow in the once smooth skin between my eyebrows.

The decision has been made then to use my remaining energy to shower. But, as I sit here with my legs crossed I am fully aware that my hips have solidified in their position. My legs will require my arms' assistance to unfold them and, thanks to my cemented hip joints, my feet will be facing due east and west as I hobble to the bathroom.

I love my...
I can't believe my...
I am feeling my...
Am I really my...

Age.

Day 25: The Puzzle

Three people in the last three days have asked me what I want to be and/or do, and I don't know how to answer them.

For the first time in my life I am not living in the future. I have no idea what this time next year will look like or where I will be. Is that smart? I dont know, but I believe that there is a reason for this feeling. The not knowing seems to makes sense.

I had lunch with a wonderful new friend today. I'm beginning to connect with people and that feels really good.

I'm still figuring out my place in this city, but I am okay with who I am again, and can be myself without feeling apologetic and deficient. I am on a path that will have many avenues and cross with things I don't understand, and that is good. I feel stronger now. I can walk this path, meet these people, have these experiences and take parts of all of it to add to Life's puzzle. Crazy beautiful mangled perfection this Life. And I am grateful to live it.

I am confident.
I am insecure.
I am brave.
I am a coward.
I am calm.
I am in awe.
I am fearless.
I am scared.

I am ready. And I have never felt more alive.

Day 24: Today

Today there was work, lots of spreadsheets, new ideas and a date on a mountain.

Details tomorrow.

Day 23: Saturday

It's late/early and I am that wonderful kind of tired that comes from having a fantastic day.

Had a hike in the fog this morning, got all my laundry done and spent the evening playing beauty shop with a friend who wanted his hair done.

Feeling my way into my groove.

And tomorrow I have a date.

Stay tuned.

Day 22: Panic Attacks and Apple Pie

me: "I'm not breathing out enough!"
"That's because your shoulders are on your earlobes."
me: "What if I hyperventilate?!"
"You won't. Just stand up and breathe."
me: "Oh."

I'm a bit of a perfectionist and so the fact that I won't be at the studio on our first Saturday of classes tomorrow is making me nuts. The fact that I'm leaving it in the hands of two people who have never worked there before is testing my breathing reflex.

Saturday is my only day off and I feel guilty.

I love it.

I love that I have a job at a place that I care so much about.
I love that one of my seasoned people volunteered to spend her day helping the new folks run the studio.
I love that even though she volunteered, I had to fight the urge to forgo my only day off to be there.
I love that I'm still fighting it.
I love that as frustrated and stressed as I sometimes feel, I am happy that this is the place I get to go everyday.

I also love that my friend K'Beetle'D convinced me to meet her at the House of Pie on the corner of Franklin and Vermont tonight for chicken wings and apple pie. Because there is nothin' about a panic attack that a l'il sugar can't fix. 

Sweet.

Day 21: To Sum it Up

Thankful that payroll is done.

Adoring the beautiful weather.

Looking forward to my day off on Saturday.

Missing familiarity.

Wishing this was easier.

Appreciative but unsure.

Day 20: Pieces of Ki

I feel like I should do something special in honor of my 20th blogging day, but I can't think of anything spectacular so I think I'll do a list.

Here are 20 pieces of Ki:

1. I have severe astigmatism in both eyes.

2. After living out of suitcases for five months, I can no longer stand the sight of folded clothes. Every stitch of clothing I own is on a hanger.

3. I find tremendous comfort in sitcoms from the 60's, 70's and 80's. I own the first season of Maude and can quote every episode verbatim. I also love Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Diff'rent Strokes, Punky Brewster, Silver Spoons, Small Wonder etc... Watching these shows is like wrapping myself in a warm blanket.

4. I have most of the theme songs from my favorite sitcoms downloaded in my iPod. Out of all of them, Mr. Belvedere, Alice and Gimme a Break are the ones that make me deliciously happy.

5.I find bath taking torturous. I will be a shower taker until the day I die.

6. I want to name my first baby November.

7. I can't bring myself to drive above the speed limit.

8. Kilah May is a nickname that has been given to me by various people at various times in my life, which I find intriguing. My real middle name is Swann.

9. One of my greatest fears is that people will be disappointed in me.

10. I am absolutely addicted to all things sugar.

11. My Mom was an avid tennis player and much of my childhood weekends were spent in tennis clubs all over Atlanta.

12. My love of meat prevents me from being a good vegetarian.

13. I don't believe in camping.

14. I know how to shoot a gun, but I don't think I'll ever own one.

15. I adored my Granddaddy. To me he was absolute perfection.

16. I eat chitlins. And I like them.

17. I have never gotten a massage because I'm afraid of them.

18. Driving across the country was the best thing I never want to do again.

19. Cream of Wheat is my all-time favorite breakfast food.

20. My Mama almost named me Sturgis.

Day 19: Short

Worked 13.5 hours today and almost accomplished everything on my to do list!

R spent the entire day at the studio for the first time ever. It was wonderful. Even though I still have the same amount of work, it makes a huge difference when R is there. Today, for the first time, I didn't feel like I was carrying the studio on my own.

I'm tired, but so thankful.

Day 18: The Conversation

"I miss my friends and my family."
"They miss you too."
"Is that supposed to help?"
"Are you focusing forward?"
"Maybe. I'm trying! It makes me tired."
"Why?"
"Because sometimes changing my focus feels like trying to stir hardening concrete."
"Add water."
"Not funny."
"You gotta keep stirring 'til you get your focus in check. It isn't supposed to be easy you know."
"Why not?! And don't give me that 'The greatest rewards come from struggle, no one ever promised you a rose garden' crap. I hate it!"
"You're a little fiesty tonight."
"I know."
"And some parts are rosey."
"They absolutely are. And I am grateful."
"You said you're feeling at home."
"I am. More and more everyday."
"Then why so blue?"
"I'm frustrated and lonely and unsure. Sometimes I just wish I could skip the learning part and get straight to the smooth sailing."
"What does smooth sailing look like?"
"It's pretty."
"Dig deeper."
"It's a comfort zone, you know? Like, no more having to try to learn and understand people's personalities or have them trying to learn you when you're not even sure of yourself yet and sometimes don't even recognize the 'you' that you're putting out there. And you know who you can trust and who you should be wary of. And you don't always fear that the rug is about to be snatched out from under you. And you stop holding your breath."
"That's a lot."
"Yeah."
"You don't have to hold your breath."
"I'm afraid that if I let it go, I'll get socked in the stomach."
"Maybe that's okay a little."
"I've had my fill of sucker punches, thank you."
"Touche."
"This is my first experience without a support system. I'm alone out here. I only have myself. I'm tired of playing grown up. I quit this game."
"Um, newsflash, you're not 'playing' grown up. You are a grown up."
"Ugh!"
"Truth doesn't always taste so good, eh?"
"It's a tad bitter."
"It's good for you. Are you praying?
"Constantly."
"Then you're never alone."
"Amen. Thanks for that."
"You're welcome."
"When will this up and down rollercoaster of emotions end?"
"Um, well, I don't know. I'm kind of on this journey with you seeing as how I AM you. The rational, thinking, not crazy, easy going part of you, but you nonetheless."
"I miss her."
"I'm right here, freak!"
"I know! But when are we gonna synch up?!"
"When you let go."

Day 17: I Quit This DAY for Good

It has been one of those DAYS.

The kind of DAY where everything seems harsh and loud and prickly.

And everything you think and say and do is somehow wrong.
And the things people tell you are so piercing that it bruises your soul.
And your shoulders slump so deeply that you believe your body has forgotten how to right itself.
And your best answer is "I don't know.".
And you can't figure out why in the world you put forth so much effort when people don't really know what they want.
And all you want to do is curl up in bed and sleep, but you can't because your body isn't tired, it's just heavy with DAY.

And so, DAY, I quit you. I want to be with Good instead.

Good is simple. It is large but not demanding or loud. It is still, dependable and ever present.

All that Good requires is a desire to see it. Then, it appears.

Today Good was for me:

The person in my life who was held up and robbed, but had their life spared.
The clear blue sky, warm sun and cool breeze.
The tired that comes from the privilege of having a job to do all day.
The sweet friend who is excited about new possibilities.
The text pics of the beautiful happy babies I love so much.
The great parking space I found.
The time I get to spend next week with a guy I like.
The ever growing peace I'm feeling in my new home.

DAY started out with its hands around my heart, but Good fought hard and won in the end.

Thank you God for Good.

Day 16: Short

Free dance day at the studio was great. 

Two memorable things happened:

I learned that one of the guys who volunteered at the studio today takes a picture with his iPhone everyday at 12:34 (1234). His alarm rings and he snaps a photo. Today that photo was of me. He's got some really awesome  shots  and I find it fascinating that for as long as he keeps this up, he will have reminders of exactly what was happening in his life at 12:34 each day. Kudos to you Mike and thank you for including me in your project.

I received an email from an ex. It looks like his computer has a virus that sent an email to all of his contacts. It was a llittle unsettling to open my email and see his name staring back at me.

Such is life I guess. Now for some well earned sleep.

Day15: Still

Tonight I was able spend time with a friend who just moved here from home, and I cannot begin to describe how great it felt. It was peaceful and comfortable. My spirit was still.

I didn't have to think about what parts of my personality were on display. My laughter wasn't forced. I didn't worry that I wasn't saying the right thing or that my jokes would be taken seriously or that I was leaving a lasting first impression that I wouldn't be able to undo.

I just was.

Some people come to L.A. to reinvent themselves and become someone new. There is very little accountability because no one knows who they are or where they came from. I'm finding more and more that I don't want to be reinvented. I want to grow and develop and embrace new experiences, but I don't want to lose the essence of who I am and become unrecognizable to those who know me. Or to myself.

In just a few hours the 9/11 anniversary will be here. Tonight as I pulled my flag pin out of my jewelry box, I thought about where I was that day.

I was working at the Concourse banking center and Ashley got a call from her Mom advising us to turn on the tv. Our only set was in the back breakroom so all five of us rushed back there and watched.

I will never forget:

-- The crystal clear blue sky.
-- The stillness before the second plane hit.
-- The sound of the jet engine as it flew into the building.
-- Someone standing next to me saying, "Did that just happen?"
-- All of the white towels and shirts, we assumed, hanging out of the upper floor windows.
-- Thinking that we couldn't imagine what the people in the restaurant on the top floor must be feeling.
-- The people jumping, and us wondering out loud how bad it had to be in those buildings if jumping out of a 100 story window to certain death was the better option.
-- The closeups of the men and women jumping from the building in suits with briefcases in hand.
-- The intermittent crashing sounds.
-- The reporters telling us that those sounds were bodies hitting the ground.
-- All of the paper fluttering to the ground and wondering how the paper survived and the people didn't.
-- The screaming and crying of the spectators.
-- The buildings collapsing.
-- The smoke and dust.
-- People running.
-- The mayhem that ensued.

And then I realized that because of the time difference, many people here in L.A. slept right through the whole thing.

Day 14: Right Now

Right now:

I am two weeks into this blog journey.

I am thinking of the two people I learned have died. I haven't seen or spoken to either one of them in well over a decade, but I still can't believe they're gone.

I am praying for the families of these two people.
I am praying for a friend who is having a difficult time after surgery.
I am praying for a friend who is facing a scary unknown.
I am praying for a friend who is at a crossroads.
I am praying for a friend who needs a break.
I am praying for a friend who is figuring out what comes next.
I am praying that love will conquer in the lives of four people I love.

I am functioning on 3.5 hours of sleep.
I am tickled that my neighbor had to help me parallel park.
I am grateful he was there.
I am contemplating whether to let my stylist dye my hair.
I am pretty sure the answer is no.
I am wondering if men willl ever make sense to me.

I am enjoying the peace that I opened my heart to these last two weeks.
I am enjoying a job that is challenging me metally and emotionally, and rewarding me in ways that I never imagined.
I am enjoying the newness that each day here brings.

Right now it is 1:40am and I am having a Michael Jackson, Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam and The Jets  lip synch dance party in my room.

Just because.

Day 13: Long Day, Good Day

Why have I not blogged until 1am?

'Cause of this:

I'm at the boss' house high up on a hill in Echo Park having a meeting about this weekend's Free Dance Day event. We're talking, they're drinking... fun. This was taken during a smoke break.

I love my job.

And yes, we're still here.

Day 12: "Y'all know Kilah is Special..."

I don't wear smug well.

Last night I stayed up until 2am wallowing in the fact that I didn't have anywhere to be this morning. I set my alarm for a leisurely 11:15 which, I concluded, would give me ample time for showering, breakfast and lounging before I had to be at the studio for our 2:15 rental. I laid in bed, did a shadow dance with my legs in the moonlight, then drifted off to sleep. I was actually grinning.

If any of you have ever doubted that God talks to us, let me put all your doubt to rest. This morning in my dream/half consciousness a voice clearly said to me, "Stella has a class this morning at 9."

I sat up and said out loud, "No she doesn't. Her class is Tuesday, and today is Mon..... sh*t.

I looked at my phone, saw that it was 8:39 and proceeded to have the following conversation with myself:

"I'm never gonna make it."
"Yes you are."
"It's impossible!"
"You don't have a choice!"
"What am I gonna wear?!"
"What difference does it make?! GET. UP!"

I then tore out of my bed, jumped into the closest pair of jeans I could grab, yanked a dark red fitted sweatshirt out of the closet and over my head, slipped into my leopard print flats; and actually paused to pontificate about what a great buy they had been at only $10 seeing as how they were coming in handy for a situation such as this; ran to the bathroom, cupped my hands under the faucet, threw the water at my face and nearly drowned.

Apparently one should hold their breath whenever two fistfuls of water come rushing at their facial orifices.

I attacked my mouth with my toothbrush, figuring that this was the one hygiene step that I, though I actually heavily considered it, probably should not skip and groaned at the toothpaste stain I made near my armpit, because I mean who doesn't brush their teeth with one arm flung over their head?

I grabbed my purse, my computer, and my keys, contemplated whether to grab my gallon of water, decided to take it or risk dying of thirst, ran out the door, to my car and began driving while having the following conversation with myself:

"I'm doing okay, I'm gonna make it."
"You may actually get there before 9."
"Yes! I'm thinking 8:55."
"You'll have to make every light."
"It could happen."
"You almost blew it."
"I know!"

I got to the halfway point of my drive, where Hollywood Blvd. becomes Sunset Blvd, before a traffic light stopped me. I was feeling a little off, so I felt around in my purse to make sure I had my phone. I did. I thought maybe I'd forgotten my water after all. I didn't. I could not for the life of me figure out why I was so uneasy until I reached to grabbed my left shoulder with my right hand. It instantly dawned on me and I gasped so violently that the intake of air nearly burned my throat.

"I'M. NOT. WEARING. MY. BRA!"

I covered my mouth with both my hands, let out a muffled scream and foolishly looked around to see if any other drivers had noticed my lack of support. It may not have been a big deal to some, but I have not left my house without the proper restraints since 1990. I was not blessed with natural perkiness. I couldn't turn back, because it was now 8:52. so I proceeded while scolding myself:

"You are going to a dance studio with 7,000 bottles of water, and nonetheless you grabbed your own gallon jug, but you didn't have the wherewithall to put on a bra?! This better be the best jug of water you ever drank!"

I turned into the parking lot at 8:55, apologized to the folks that were waiting and went about making a little physical motion as possible lest I give myself away.

At 11:00 K, my boss' business partner, was scheduled to arrive for her photoshoot. Upon hearing her motor, I crossed my arms over my chest, ran outside and said to her moving car:

"Just to give you an indication of my current state of dumb, I overslept, haven't showered and forgot to put on my bra so I'm going home to take a moment to re-evaluate my life. I'll be back at 2."

And thus my day began.

Thank you God for waking me up, holding me up and keeping my sense of humor intact through it all.

I love life.

Day 11: Strange Air

Something strange is in the air tonight.

This was one of the few Labor Days that I haven't spent with my family, but I was okay. I miss my family, but I didn't think about homesickness until tonight when I wondered why the feeling wasn't there.

My day was peaceful and uneventful. The studio was open, but today was the first day of the Fall schedule, so there were no morning classes. We didn't have any rentals scheduled for today, so I slept in a little which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Classes tonight were okay. Katie's first jazz class had 3 and Nina subbed for Ryan's contemporary to a crowd of 7. I was happy to see a turn out at all on a holiday. I am more than a little nervous that our web guy hasn't updated the website with the new schedule. As of 11:45pm we still haven't heard from him, hopefully we can get it corrected tomorrow.

The city feels a little empty. There was ample parking on my street which is unheard of, and very much appreciated. I didn't even have to circle the block. I turned onto my street, saw an available space and squealed with delight while my mind wondered what in the world was going on.  After I parked, I threw my things in the house, grabbed a jacket and began the half block trek to the market. On the way, I witnessed a couple in bathing suits, run barefoot into the middle of Hollywood Blvd to take pictures of each other.

My holiday trip home is officially booked and I received my itinerary via email tonight. I am very much looking forward to spending time with my family, hanging out with my friends and being in a place where everything is familiar.

But as much as I am looking forward to home, a part of me is going to miss being here.

Something strange is in the atmosphere indeed.

Day 10: What a Difference a Sunday Makes

Sundays are busy at the studio, I think in part because it is the day of the class that started it all. Two years ago Ryan created Sweaty Sundays to give his friends and people in the community a non intimidating way to enjoy dance, and today he has his own studio. The students that come in are passionate and interesting and diverse and they, along with Ryan, create an energy that is intoxicating. I enjoy my Sundays with them.

After work I drove out to Santa Monica for church. My church is three blocks east of the beach, so my 20 minute drive resulted in a 30 degree drop in temperature. It always feels like Fall at the beach in the evenings, and I have fallen head over heels in love with it. My church with it's 70 year old Monseigneur who tells it like it is, the cold air, the fog that rolls in and the smell of the ocean have captured this Girl's heart.

One of my favorite parts of Mass is the few minutes after communion when we each get to take a few minutes for some one-on-one time with God.  

It was during this time just a few months ago that I sat in my pew, praying with tears sliding down my face. I didn't have a job, I was scared, I didn't know what my next step was supposed to be. I pleaded for a sign, guidance, comfort and strength...

"God doesn't close a door without opening another, but sometimes it's hell in the hallway."

Tonight as I kneeled it struck me that I was happily talking/praying about the triumphs, frustrations, concerns and opportunities I'm experiencing and asking for guidance for the coming week. As I kneeled in the same spot where I had shed tears not so long ago, I grinned at the realization that my heart has been repaired and my circumstances turned around.

My hallway days in this part of my life have come to an end. I am joyful.

When I was leaving church I checked my phone and saw an unexpected text message.

Things might be getting interesting for this California Girl...

Day 9: This California Girl

It feels like home here in L.A. for the third day in a row, so perhaps it's time to make the official declaration.

In addition to a G.R.I.T.S, I am a California Girl.

In honor of my newfound peace, I have some observations to list, but first a quick recap of the day:

I enjoyed a great hike this morning. One of the un-smoggiest days yet! It was gorgeous and HOT. Looking forward to Thursday when the high is 68. Ran errands and washed my hair. Sitting here now building up the strength to flat iron it.

I am feeling every second of my 32 years tonight. Where is the Girl who could do more than three things in a day, party all night and not need a week to recover? This whole getting old gig is for the birds. But, like my Granny used to say, it sure as hell beats the alternative.

Observations of a California Girl:

1. Changing my attitude has brought almost instant results in my commitment to get un-spun. I have opened my heart to the people around me and can already feel the acceptance that was always there.

2. Focusing forward does wonders for perspective.

3. I'm finally learning shortcuts that actually lead to my destination.

4. Due to less than ideal parking circumstances in my 'hood, a great parking space can instantly trump my nighttime plans.

5. The lack of left turn signals in this city continues to baffle me, although I must admit that it is making me more courageous driver.

6. The view from the top of my favorite peak is 360 degrees of awesome. It never ceases to amaze me.

7. I am not the only person in L.A. who gets out of their car, looks at what most would label as impossible and fist pumps after successfully parallel parking.

8. I may be the only person who takes a bow.

9. I still don't know how to apply sunscreen and not end up looking like a glowstick.

10. I think I'm gonna like it here.

Day 8: My Mama Did the Best She Could With the Child She Was Given

I have not been on my best behavior.

I left out some details yesterday because I am ashamed. But I promised honesty, so in an effort to keep my word, here's what happened at the studio last night:

Although I'm pretty organized, the minutea of payroll day stretches my sanity to its absolute limits. Last night my sanity broke. 

Instructor B is a sweetie whose class I enjoy. He's always upbeat and friendly though I've noticed that he particularly enjoys my Payroll Day Altered Mental State.

As he was leaving the studio last night, he caught me mid PDAMS meltdown and the following exchange occured:

B: (jokingly) "You are too cute when you're all stressed out over payroll."
K: "I am not stressed out." (spoken with a full blown facial scowl through clenched teeth and stationary lips) "AND I'M NOT CUTE!" I hollered at him while running towards the window, stopping just short of pounding my fist on the glass.

and while i'm confessing i might as well mention that i growled at a lady at trader joes last week because she asked me to move my car when i was clearly blocked in and yes by growl i mean a lips pulled back over teeth neck lunged forward no sound a human being should ever make guttural groan.

Because that's the kind of ugly that lives and breathes within.

But today I was good!

• I got up early to move my car for street cleaning day and although the streets never actually look clean, I didn't grumble about it once.
• I decided it was probably not a good idea to yell out of my window at the person who stole the parking place that he didn't know I'd reserved on my previous drive around the block.
• I smiled at strangers as I ate my bowl of pho and drank my apple juice.
• I walked by our neighbors storefront, an amazingly badass vintage tshirt shop where I will be doing a lot of Christmas shopping, and laughed with one of the owners as his friend, a big shirtless man in black booty shorts and a pink bandana, danced around the store to 'Grove is in the Heart'.

Though I'm feeling a little homesick, I'm keeping my focus forward. I miss home everyday, but living in L.A. is best for my life right now, so I am grateful for this opportunity.

And I'm really looking forward to tomorrow morning's hike.

Day 7: "What can I do?"

I left my house at 8:20 this morning ( I am LOVING my 10 minute traffic-free commute!) and returned home at 12:15am. I am too far gone to do the simple math to calculate those hours. I just know they are a lot. And I worked them.

Between classes this morning, Austin, my boss' boyfriend and my sweet friend, stood at the front desk amidst the piles of paperwork I had spread from one end of our counter to the other and the 3 inch stack of data that needed to be entered, looked at me and said, "What can I do?".

I think I cried a little. I know I grinned a lot.

I don't know what Austin had planned for the day. What I know is that he went and got the envelopes I'd forgotten I needed, delayed his lunch to label those envelopes and delayed it again to get me a smoothie when he realized I was hungry and would not be able to leave.

Thank you Austin. Your lot a bit of kindness went an extra long way.

Payroll is finished, the deposits are prepared, the renters had a great rehearsal, the floor guy came and told me things I already knew, classes ran smoothly and a rough draft of a mass email is waiting to go out at 2pm today.

My eyes are red and my body is screaming, but life is good for this tired worn out Girl.

Day 6: Business, Boots & Bruises

Great day. The heat is back, but the mornings and evenings are cool. Well, the evenings are actually cold. Wearing boots in August is all kinds of awesome.

I spent most of the day at the studio. We're working out the kinks in my schedule and I think the changes will be good. The break I got this afternoon did wonders for my attitude.

Our new class schedule begins next week, which I'm really looking forward to. It'll be interesting to see the responses. K and I met briefly about our first Free Dance Day scheduled for the 11th. Our dance space is HUGE, 2000 sq. ft., but we don't have much space for folks to hang out in. It's more than adequate for day to day, but we're still not sure how to handle FDD crowds.

We'll be launching the work study program the week of the 19th. I really like the group we have, so I'm glad some of them are staying, but I'm also looking forward to giving more folks a chance to help run the studio in exchange for free classes.

Tomorrow will be my final 14 hour Thursday :). Morning classes then a rental followed by afternoon and night classes. I love my job and the studio, but I have to admit that those days wear me out! Tomorrow is also the close of payroll. With the exception of tomorrow's classes, my spreadsheets are up to date, deposit slips completed, note cards and class sheets clipped and filed. Tomorrow will be full of copying, spreadsheet finalizing, and check writing. Sweet sweet organization.

I had a slight mishap tonight involving my car door and my clumsiness, which resulted in a shiner on the inside portion of my left elbow bone. It's a real beauty.

I am so grateful to be where I am and doing what I do with the people I'm meeting on this portion of my path.

God is good.

Day 5: Spun

"There's a feeling here inside that I cannot hide and I know I've tried, but it's turning me around."

To say that my time in CA thus far has been a whirlwind is a understatement:

A Tuesday night:

Girl says an earnest prayer.

A Wednesday morning:

Girl goes to work.
Girl calls an old friend during her break.
Girl gets a job offer.
Girl decides to move to California.

--Two Weeks Later--

A Wednesday afternoon:

Girl and her Mom leave for CA.

A Friday night:

Girl and her Mom arrive in CA.

A Monday Morning:

Girl starts job.

--Eight weeks later--

A Sunday afternoon:

Girl's car breaks down.

A Monday morning:

Girl gets car fixed.
Girl loses job.

--Eight weeks later--

Girl finds job.
Girl moves into apartment.

Today:

Girl feels immeasurably grateful and frighteningly unsettled.

"Im not sure that I'm aware if I'm up or down if I'm here or there, I need both feet on the ground. Why do I feel like I'm drowning, when there is plenty of air? Why do I feel like frowning? I think the feeling is fear."

This Girl has been Spun.

I can only liken this Spun feeling to a toy top. The kind with the string. You pull the string quickly and the top spins so fast that the patterns blur and the air around it creates an audible whir. When it's done spinning, it falls on its side as if to say, "can you just give me a moment before you do that again?".

Spun is a heart hardener, and it has sealed the parts of me that allow people in. The people that have more than proven their goodness are being kept at bay because the wariness of Spun still lingers. Spun is palpable. I see it in my interactions. I hear it in my words. It is my cloak. Patches of the recent past woven together to protect me from what might be.

I decided today that it is time to shed the cloak.

"In a different place, in a different time. Different people around me. I would like to know of their different world, and how different they find me."

It will be a process involving time, a lot of prayer and restoration of the belief that things are not necessarily to good to be true.

"Suddenly my world's gone and changed its face, but I still know where I'm going. I have had my mind spun around in space yet I've watched it growing."

It's time to get un-Spun.


**All quotations are from The Wiz, 'Soon As I Get Home' and 'Home'.