I'm sitting here on my bed at half past midnight. My belly is full of steak and on-sale-for-$1 Haagen-Dazs raspberry sorbet, and my Pandora Debbie Gibson channel is rocking.
Reflections on this whimsical day:
-Woke up, got dressed for my hike and walked out into a wonderful cold Fall rain that would last all day.
-Went to flush the toilet only to realize that we had run out of water. Funny how a logical brain will subscribe to the belief that jiggling a handle will miraculously make water flow through pipes.
-Let six eggs explode because I put them on to boil and forgot about them. What happens to your brain after 30?
-Sat at work for an hour before I realized the roof was leaking a lake of water onto the studio floor.
-Mopped up the roof leak and then accidentally dumped the water back onto the studio floor, TWICE.
-Tripped over my own feet and fell into a closet and onto the studio's water heater, tearing the grill off the front. Still haven't figured out how to tell the boss about that...
-Met Sam Sparro, took his money, showed him how to use the studio sound system and smelled his bag without realizing he's the 'Black and Gold' singer.
-Took a great class from Ryan who is somehow managing to teach while choreographing and orchestrating his first of three shows for MOCA (L.A. Museum of Contemporary Art). He is injured and sleep deprived and still getting it in.
I loved this day.
I've also been sifting through this new feeling I've named Connected Disconnectedness.
I don't feel a connection to future, but I absolutely care about what's happening right now. I used to say things like, "Next year we'll do...." and "Next Summer let's try...", but I don't do that very often anymore, and when I do, it feels like the part of me that would normally mean it, steps out of the part that's speaking the words. I'm going through the motions but the sincerity isn't there.
Is living in the moment the same as feeling no connection to what might be?
I'd love to know what you think.
Funny and fascinating, this Life Stuff.
Kilah- when I first moved away from everything I knew and loved (to Boston from Northern VA) I had the detached feeling and "observe from above" feeling at first. Eventually, maybe a year or so later, I caught up with myself. It was then that I figured out how to "live" in that city. Your motions will catch up with the words that escape your lips, it just takes awhile for your brain and heart to sync back up. Heartbreak (even the good kind, like moving far away) has many different stages. <3 I've read everything on your blog already but had to comment on this one because I've been there- I went to 101 FOR A YEAR before I started talking to anyone (ask Angela, lol)because I knew my head/heart weren't sync'd and it'd be all weird feeling and aloof! You're so fortunate to have Kasey and Carrie (and who knows who else!!) out there that you already know! You'll make the best of it as long as you know it's part of your journey. Yikes, this turned into a ramble! Love following along, live for today Kilah and do good! <3 Di.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting that you mention this feeling of connected disconnectedness Kilah, because my feeling seems more disastrous than I've even let on for myself. I no longer really know what it is that I'd really like to do with the rest of my life other than travel the world.
ReplyDeleteI hope that it's perfectly normal after you've undergone some big change in your life (ie. your moving out to LA to pursue your dream of working in a studio & dancing), but...it's really scary to not really have plans for the future like I used to...I'm hoping that it's just a phase (personally), but you're right - maybe we've just gotten into living in the moment. That's something that I never really did much of in my past life - I was always working towards some new job, some new thing, some new goal. Perhaps living in the moment is what we're supposed to do with a few goals/future plans to keep us moving forward...
If you figure it out please let me know! I'm trying to just continue enjoying the moment, but I'll admit I'm more than a little freaked out...for me having the future plans is like being wrapped in my blankie - hugging my little teddie bear. Loved today's blog! :)