Day 18: The Conversation

"I miss my friends and my family."
"They miss you too."
"Is that supposed to help?"
"Are you focusing forward?"
"Maybe. I'm trying! It makes me tired."
"Why?"
"Because sometimes changing my focus feels like trying to stir hardening concrete."
"Add water."
"Not funny."
"You gotta keep stirring 'til you get your focus in check. It isn't supposed to be easy you know."
"Why not?! And don't give me that 'The greatest rewards come from struggle, no one ever promised you a rose garden' crap. I hate it!"
"You're a little fiesty tonight."
"I know."
"And some parts are rosey."
"They absolutely are. And I am grateful."
"You said you're feeling at home."
"I am. More and more everyday."
"Then why so blue?"
"I'm frustrated and lonely and unsure. Sometimes I just wish I could skip the learning part and get straight to the smooth sailing."
"What does smooth sailing look like?"
"It's pretty."
"Dig deeper."
"It's a comfort zone, you know? Like, no more having to try to learn and understand people's personalities or have them trying to learn you when you're not even sure of yourself yet and sometimes don't even recognize the 'you' that you're putting out there. And you know who you can trust and who you should be wary of. And you don't always fear that the rug is about to be snatched out from under you. And you stop holding your breath."
"That's a lot."
"Yeah."
"You don't have to hold your breath."
"I'm afraid that if I let it go, I'll get socked in the stomach."
"Maybe that's okay a little."
"I've had my fill of sucker punches, thank you."
"Touche."
"This is my first experience without a support system. I'm alone out here. I only have myself. I'm tired of playing grown up. I quit this game."
"Um, newsflash, you're not 'playing' grown up. You are a grown up."
"Ugh!"
"Truth doesn't always taste so good, eh?"
"It's a tad bitter."
"It's good for you. Are you praying?
"Constantly."
"Then you're never alone."
"Amen. Thanks for that."
"You're welcome."
"When will this up and down rollercoaster of emotions end?"
"Um, well, I don't know. I'm kind of on this journey with you seeing as how I AM you. The rational, thinking, not crazy, easy going part of you, but you nonetheless."
"I miss her."
"I'm right here, freak!"
"I know! But when are we gonna synch up?!"
"When you let go."