Day15: Still

Tonight I was able spend time with a friend who just moved here from home, and I cannot begin to describe how great it felt. It was peaceful and comfortable. My spirit was still.

I didn't have to think about what parts of my personality were on display. My laughter wasn't forced. I didn't worry that I wasn't saying the right thing or that my jokes would be taken seriously or that I was leaving a lasting first impression that I wouldn't be able to undo.

I just was.

Some people come to L.A. to reinvent themselves and become someone new. There is very little accountability because no one knows who they are or where they came from. I'm finding more and more that I don't want to be reinvented. I want to grow and develop and embrace new experiences, but I don't want to lose the essence of who I am and become unrecognizable to those who know me. Or to myself.

In just a few hours the 9/11 anniversary will be here. Tonight as I pulled my flag pin out of my jewelry box, I thought about where I was that day.

I was working at the Concourse banking center and Ashley got a call from her Mom advising us to turn on the tv. Our only set was in the back breakroom so all five of us rushed back there and watched.

I will never forget:

-- The crystal clear blue sky.
-- The stillness before the second plane hit.
-- The sound of the jet engine as it flew into the building.
-- Someone standing next to me saying, "Did that just happen?"
-- All of the white towels and shirts, we assumed, hanging out of the upper floor windows.
-- Thinking that we couldn't imagine what the people in the restaurant on the top floor must be feeling.
-- The people jumping, and us wondering out loud how bad it had to be in those buildings if jumping out of a 100 story window to certain death was the better option.
-- The closeups of the men and women jumping from the building in suits with briefcases in hand.
-- The intermittent crashing sounds.
-- The reporters telling us that those sounds were bodies hitting the ground.
-- All of the paper fluttering to the ground and wondering how the paper survived and the people didn't.
-- The screaming and crying of the spectators.
-- The buildings collapsing.
-- The smoke and dust.
-- People running.
-- The mayhem that ensued.

And then I realized that because of the time difference, many people here in L.A. slept right through the whole thing.