I don't wear smug well.
Last night I stayed up until 2am wallowing in the fact that I didn't have anywhere to be this morning. I set my alarm for a leisurely 11:15 which, I concluded, would give me ample time for showering, breakfast and lounging before I had to be at the studio for our 2:15 rental. I laid in bed, did a shadow dance with my legs in the moonlight, then drifted off to sleep. I was actually grinning.
If any of you have ever doubted that God talks to us, let me put all your doubt to rest. This morning in my dream/half consciousness a voice clearly said to me, "Stella has a class this morning at 9."
I sat up and said out loud, "No she doesn't. Her class is Tuesday, and today is Mon..... sh*t.
I looked at my phone, saw that it was 8:39 and proceeded to have the following conversation with myself:
"I'm never gonna make it."
"Yes you are."
"It's impossible!"
"You don't have a choice!"
"What am I gonna wear?!"
"What difference does it make?! GET. UP!"
I then tore out of my bed, jumped into the closest pair of jeans I could grab, yanked a dark red fitted sweatshirt out of the closet and over my head, slipped into my leopard print flats; and actually paused to pontificate about what a great buy they had been at only $10 seeing as how they were coming in handy for a situation such as this; ran to the bathroom, cupped my hands under the faucet, threw the water at my face and nearly drowned.
Apparently one should hold their breath whenever two fistfuls of water come rushing at their facial orifices.
I attacked my mouth with my toothbrush, figuring that this was the one hygiene step that I, though I actually heavily considered it, probably should not skip and groaned at the toothpaste stain I made near my armpit, because I mean who doesn't brush their teeth with one arm flung over their head?
I grabbed my purse, my computer, and my keys, contemplated whether to grab my gallon of water, decided to take it or risk dying of thirst, ran out the door, to my car and began driving while having the following conversation with myself:
"I'm doing okay, I'm gonna make it."
"You may actually get there before 9."
"Yes! I'm thinking 8:55."
"You'll have to make every light."
"It could happen."
"You almost blew it."
"I know!"
I got to the halfway point of my drive, where Hollywood Blvd. becomes Sunset Blvd, before a traffic light stopped me. I was feeling a little off, so I felt around in my purse to make sure I had my phone. I did. I thought maybe I'd forgotten my water after all. I didn't. I could not for the life of me figure out why I was so uneasy until I reached to grabbed my left shoulder with my right hand. It instantly dawned on me and I gasped so violently that the intake of air nearly burned my throat.
"I'M. NOT. WEARING. MY. BRA!"
I covered my mouth with both my hands, let out a muffled scream and foolishly looked around to see if any other drivers had noticed my lack of support. It may not have been a big deal to some, but I have not left my house without the proper restraints since 1990. I was not blessed with natural perkiness. I couldn't turn back, because it was now 8:52. so I proceeded while scolding myself:
"You are going to a dance studio with 7,000 bottles of water, and nonetheless you grabbed your own gallon jug, but you didn't have the wherewithall to put on a bra?! This better be the best jug of water you ever drank!"
I turned into the parking lot at 8:55, apologized to the folks that were waiting and went about making a little physical motion as possible lest I give myself away.
At 11:00 K, my boss' business partner, was scheduled to arrive for her photoshoot. Upon hearing her motor, I crossed my arms over my chest, ran outside and said to her moving car:
"Just to give you an indication of my current state of dumb, I overslept, haven't showered and forgot to put on my bra so I'm going home to take a moment to re-evaluate my life. I'll be back at 2."
And thus my day began.
Thank you God for waking me up, holding me up and keeping my sense of humor intact through it all.
I love life.
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